The fears of motherhood have awakened. No, not fears of birthing or breastfeeding or sleepless night but fears of the great responsibility and amazing miraculous gift that is going to be a part of our life forever. Fear that I will somehow mess this child up. Fear that He won’t love God. Fear that one day he won’t love me. Fear of motherhood and all it encompasses.
I have become well aware of the enemy in my fears, knowing that fear is not of my Beloved, for He has told me: “perfect love casts out fear.”
Yet, I still fear.
I fear the lies that a child turns life off- extinguishes passion and love and spontaneity.
I fear that a child will hinder my husbands ministry.
I fear that I will fail.
Through these fears I realize how I have been impacted by the world around me. I don’t even believe my fears, yet I see women who loath their children, who feel paralyzed in their God given and o so significant role as a mother, and I begin to ask, “Is this really going to be me?”
The Lord answered me this morning in His Psalms:
“Unless the LORD builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
I always hear, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth, blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.” But a quiver full of children means years of working, disciplining, teaching, and praying- toils that will be in vain lest they are built on the teaching and promises of my Lord. The Lord prepares our steps, every last one of them needs to be dedicated to Him- The goal: His glory– not perfect children or perfect parenting.
Attempts to control the outcome are simply faithless acts of fear. I can only act in obedience, trusting in the giver of every good gift to teach my children to love, to give them faith, and to give us wisdom and mercy with the rising of every sun.
I will fail time and time again. Chances are my fears will one day come true and our children will say to themselves one day “I don’t want to do this the way my parents did it, I want better for my children.” And really, that’s what I want, for the generations after me to continue to strive for holiness, closer and closer to the example of our Savior. This fear is not a fear after all. I can only hope that they see in us a desire for God’s glory– two imperfect sinners in submission to a Holy Savior.
Psalm 34 was another little grace gift this morning:
I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
David feared, but he said “I will bless the Lord at all times!” He had a spirit abounding with thankfulness and humility, one which abolished his fears– seeking refuge in the power of his God instead of hiding in the shadows of dismay. The remedy for the fears of this world? Fear GOD,
A child is just another way in which Jordan and I can magnify God and exalt His name together! His glory is not bound my by imperfections and lack of wisdom, instead we are promised that in our weakness HE will show Himself mighty.
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!